10 Questions I Have For Straight Boys

By: Chase Bailey

Let’s admit it, we all love them. Straight boys are one of the last amazing wonders of the world. They, and their wicked ways, mesmerize us but there are some things that have just gone unanswered long enough. Here are 10 questions I have for straight men:

 1. What’s up with that stretching thing you do?

You all know it. That thing he does when he stretches and his shirt comes up, revealing just enough of his stomach to make you run to the nearest church to confess your tainted thoughts.

2. Why don’t you take more pictures of yourself?

Ain’t nothin’ worse than going to stalk a cute boy on social media, and all he ever posts are pictures of cars he’ll never have and the same basketball court he goes to with his “buddies.”

3. Why are you always touching each other?

And can I join in on the fun?

4. How do you eat so much?

I have never seen something more amazing to watch than a straight male consume three full plates of carb-loaded meals in one sitting at one of the dining halls. Where does it all go? What unholy thing are you doing to your stomach?

5. What is that strange handshake you do?

The one with the flips and the grips and the snaps. How do you remember it all and where did it come from? Nothing gives me more anxiety than when a straight guy introduces himself and expects me to hand-dance with him.

6. Will you please expand your underwear horizon?

The stretched out, low-grade, Hanes cotton boxer briefs just aren’t cutting it anymore. If I have to see one more guy walk down the hall in something not much better than a potato sack, I’m gonna shriek like something off RuPaul’s Drag Race. Pull on a pair of Calvin Klein briefs or trunks, and we’ll all collectively thank you for stepping up your undies game. Furthermore…

7. …Why do you wear underwear under your swim trunks?

That can’t be comfortable. I know it, and you know it too. You already have swim shorts on. Why do you need a soaked, cotton-y mass of fabric chafing your buns?

8. Why do you wear flip-flops with jeans?

Honestly, do you have to do this to me? I mean the last things I want to see are your hairy toes and unkempt toenails poking out under your pant legs. If it’s cold enough to wear jeans, it’s cold enough to lace up some shoes.

9. Why are your butts so nice?

Boys, why are you so blessed in this department? A nice set of juicy peaches hanging off your backside is considered Holy Communion in the gay community. Your God-given gift simply isn’t fair because y’all don’t even realize you have a loaded weapon in your back pockets. Speaking of back pockets…

10. …How do you look so good in sweatpants?

Either share your secret to still looking like a mouth-watering piece of candy in sweats, or join the rest of us looking like we just crawled out of the swamp.

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